Dec 28, 2023

On having kids

Some strong wisdom on Twitter:

i am old (late 40s) & here is what u need to know

yes, have kids. it will be the hardest & best & most meaningful thing u could ever do

a lot of other stuff that seems fun now will pall after 20 years

fgs stop demonising each other

some men r awful, some women r awful

many men r fantastic, kind & funny & brave. so r many women

u won’t find the perfect partner perfect ppl don’t exist

just find someone okay - someone u think u could coparent with even if u ended up divorcing

compromise on: looks, money, coolness

do NOT compromise on: anger management issues, dodgy relationship w drugs or alcohol, generally being calm and kind

if u know u want kids do NOT let someone waste ur time. if they don’t want marriage & kids after 18 months & won’t put a tight timescale on it, risk management tips towards leaving the relationship & finding someone who wants the same things

of course it’s ideal if u own a house & have plenty of money, but u’d be surprised how much you can muddle thru

ur morale & ur health r ur greatest assets. prioritise sleeping well, eating well, exercise, even if it’s not what your friends are doing. u will watch a lot of ppl who looked like they knew what they were doing screw up their lives over the years. alcohol in particular is a net negative for a lot of ppl & the large majority of friends will come & go. ur lucky if u have a handful that last a lifetime

there will be trade offs. be generous, love ur partner & kids enough to make those trade offs. everything in life has trade offs. devoting urself to ur career absolutely has tradeoffs

we live, we die. most things hardly matter. a few do, & it’s a valuable use of ur time to treat those with commitment & grace

the world is full of light & dark, horror & treasure. there is no objective perspective to take on the overarching nature of life & the world. u get to choose. choose joy. ram dass: u can do it like it's a great weight on you, or u can do it like it's part of the dance


[replying to a comment] it’s risks & trade offs all the way down

an observation: ‘fuck yes’ and ‘fuck no’ are mostly in the propensities of the beholder

if ur a person prone to ‘fuck yes’ (as i am) then by all means choose a person for whom you feel that - there will be a few

but i’ve watched ppl for whom that simply isn’t an aspect of their natural character make up wait decades for an elusive ‘fuck yes’ that didn’t come & then be heartbroken it’s too late for a baby

& ‘fuck yes’ often (not always) arises from ego/trauma - ‘wow this attractive/high status person is into me, that makes me feel REALLY GOOD’ , ‘wow this person understands me so well (bc we have interlocking trauma that will destroy us even as we cack-handedly try to save each other’

better not to inflict those dramas on kids

okay is okay